Update: Improving and Adapting

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning, it's time to sing your song again. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes. -- 10,000 Reasons, Matt Redman

I suppose it's also time to give you good people an update about me. I want to start off by saying that I am SO MUCH BETTER, and while not fully restored to physical abilities, I have seen progress. Not everyone does. I'm still hoping for more progress, but if it comes, it will come slowly, and so every day, I have to consider: What if this is the most improvement I will get? Can I live and work with this? The answer is "Yes." So each day that I get to see even a tiny tick of betterment--slightly less tingling pain, slightly more sensation, more stamina on stairs or during a longish walk or while standing to deliver a presentation--each day something like that presents itself is a bonus to me.

I would not qualify my physical condition as a result of the transverse myelitis attack on my spinal cord as debilitating.

For that, I am so very thankful. Many people who are hit with this and similar rare spinal cord diseases suffer with paralysis, long-term pain, and loss of use of limbs and/or digits. My residual effects are minor in comparison to what I have learned about many others.

My condition is not debilitating, but it is still challenging. Pain is mostly under control with medication, but the medication does not help with the numbness that I still have in my lower left leg and foot. I have recently regained sensation in my left heel, though, and that has been super-encouraging. That numbness is a matter of the nerve damage in my spine, and there is no drug that can repair the damage. Only time, good nutrition, and the power of God can address that. 

In my case, I have insecure footing that comes from that numbness, pain in the form of tingling that is generally manageable with gabapentin, taken three times daily. The perception of movable bands of weakness and fatigue in both right and left legs--which is a phantom weakness--is getting less and less. I'm hoping that continues. My muscles are actually fine, but the damaged nerves in my spine are firing off desperate and inaccurate signals to my brain telling me my legs are shaky, weak, about to buckle under me. I keep climbing those stairs to prove to my brain that it just isn't so. 

So, I'm continuing in hope that I might see more improvement, but at the same time making some smallish changes around the house and office to accommodate my particular challenges and make regular, daily life as manageable as possible.

Most of these are taking actual physical form, but some are activity oriented. Eventually, I'm told, I will need some physical therapy, but in the meantime I try to get as much normal movement in as my legs and heart (cardio was a mess while on prednisone--heart rate and blood pressure stayed elevated no matter what I did; I am now off the steroid and already see a slight decrease in resting heart rate; hoping blood pressure will follow suit and drop back down near my previous normal range). My brothers and friends help me with this by constantly challenging me to FitBit steps competitions and I'm keeping up with them as best as I can right now. It takes a team and I'm grateful for mine!

As the weather warms, I plan to tackle some altitude in the real world.

I shared in another place that the wonderful man in my life (his name is Chris) and my good friend Jordan, with other friends Cathy and Jack and Ashley and Woody stopping in to see if they could help too, tore out and replaced my stepping stone walkway to my back door. They did a wonderful job of removing a path that was gappy, uneven, and treacherous for not-so-nimble feet, and now I walk safely and as smoothly as possible to and from my car and home. I am so thankful.

But I'm not going to be able to easily mow the steeper parts of my yard this spring and summer, and already, the grass back there is beginning to rise up in scattered clumps that demanded attention. (Chris did the initial mowing for this year for me.) The sloped area is not large, but it was already difficult for me to manage on my own with my small but hardy Murray lawnmower that I depend on to partner with me in that job. Murray and I struggled even when my legs and feet were fully in this game. So some landscaping is on the horizon, and soon.

Front slope

Back slope, where the rainwater also collects.
We've had actual algae growing on the mud at the base of this one.

A small portion of my tax refund is going to some more mulch, gravel, dogwoods, azaleas, and groundcovers. I'll have to stage the landscaping plants because they are so expensive, but the plan is to put in a few feature items, groundcovers, and then mulch the slope and use gravel at the base to turn the muddy areas (one even has ALGAE growing on top of the clay mud after all this rain) to make them as maintenance free as possible. I will still be able to mow the flat grassy strip above and below each area, but the slopes will hopefully be mostly hands-off after this project is done. A married couple who are also outward-thinking, sweet and supportive friends, have offered to come over on "planting day" once I set the date, to help dig and plant and mulch. That will make it so much more fun and help the project move along quickly as well. It makes me look forward to it. So I told Dave and Christine I would let them know after I "call before I dig" to have utilities marked, and then purchase the plants that I'm able to do in phase 1.

Dinnertime prep and aftermeal cleanup have gone fairly well with the exception of one hard day last week. I am giving myself a little bit of grace in this area while I learn how to do the same things I used to do when they do contribute to a building of late-day fatigue or pain. I am allowing paper plates at the dinner table at least once per week. But I decided that it might help me to invest in an anti-fatigue kitchen mat to remove some of the standing pressure that increases the tingling pain. Just as I was researching those, and finding them MUCH more expensive than I expected, I got a promotional email from Brad's Deals with a deep discount on a selection of cute mats. I couldn't believe it. I was looking at 1/2" mats on Amazon with mediocre reviews for $50 each, and here on Brad's Deals was a 1" mat with a number of cute, kitcheny decor patterns, for $16.00. I snapped one up and it arrived earlier this week. After using it in my sock feet for a couple of days, I must say it really does help relieve a bit of pressure. So I went back to the site to see if there were any left and whether the promotion still worked. It did, so I ordered a second one. My plan is to have one permanently between the sink and stove, so that whether I am washing or cooking, I can have a mat always there. Then the other will go at the end of the kitchen bar--the "prep" area, so that if I am chopping veggies or making lunches, I can always have one to stand on there. An easy, inexpensive bit of assistance!

I traded out my desk chair at work for one made for a shorter person and put a lumbar support pillow in the seat of it. Now there is no chance of my legs "dangling" from the seat and possibly putting pressure on any blood vessels to reduce circulation. In the past, if that happened, I would just adjust position and restore circulation. But today, if that happens, it is almost immediate pain. Let's just try to avoid that entirely.

This is adaptation. These are small adjustments. No matter how long this condition lasts--whether it is months or years or the rest of my life--there are things to do to adjust and to keep moving forward in the tasks we're called to keep doing. Life is still worth the effort.

And I can stand and walk to do almost anything I need or want to do. Running--such as in playing backyard baseball--is still really not an option. I'm sure to stumble and fall. I hope this improves. But if it doesn't, I'm still gratefull.

My perseverance is so small in comparison to others and what they are working through. I think of the Wounded Warriors. I think of those paralyzed in accidents or illnesses. I think of children born with harder hardships than mine.

But on some days, if I'm honest, I still ask: Wasn't it enough already? It seemed like enough already. I'm not whining, but I think it's realistic and a cause for me to look at others with more compassion, no matter what level of challenge each faces: No one really has it easy. To diminish one's burden with a "could be worse" response doesn't actually help encourage them. It may be true that it could be worse, but that doesn't in any way mean it isn't what it is. Lord, help me see them too. Help me see what they're carrying and say, "I know; me too; soldier on--it's worth it." And maybe, if enough knowledge and insight is afforded, also lend a hand. At least my hands and arms are strong and working. There is that.

Let me be singing when the evening comes.

Voices of Despair

I have a beloved friend who, for several years now, has kept reminding me that I should not listen to the voices of despair which discourage me, take the wind out of my sails, speak without trying to understand intentions, limit, squelch, squash, overpower, doubt, and so on. I am so very susceptible to those powerful voices, and they have dealt me many crushing blows over the years or directed me away from actual Truth for a time, thin-skinned people-pleaser that I am.


I have another beloved friend who doesn't live near me now and so doesn't know the specifics of my life's challenges like she once did, but she still speaks truth when she has the chance, to help drown out or identify those voices of despair for others. She knows how powerful they can be. She posts things on Facebook to encourage. Here's an example of the kind of content she often shares:

God’s Voice	Satan’s Voice
Stills You	Rushes You
Leads You	Pushes You
Reassures You	Frightens You
Enlightens You	Confuses You
Encourages You	Discourages You
Comforts You	Worries You
Calms You	Obsesses You
Convicts You	Condemns You

Today, I think maybe, if I can keep remembering this, those voices got an identification which takes away a lot of the power.

There's an oft-misused, taken out of context Bible verse that keeps getting bounced around when people feel the need to warn other believers against really living their faith in the power of God. It's probably second only to the mistranslated, taken out of context, and misapplied colloquialism of American Christian culture that's generally spoken as "Avoid the appearance of evil" in its misuse and potential damage (that one is one of this blog's Top 10 most-read entries; revealing the error in the usage of it generated in another fatigued and over-burdened Christian friend a robust and joy-filled response: "You've broken through the very foundation of Christian Fake-itude!"). The verse that's the topic of this blog post is: Your adversary prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.

This is typically used as if it is a warning that your foot might slip and you might fall into some sin you could have avoided if only you'd been more cautious--built your fences higher, avoided interacting with people, kept your happy mask on. It's usually used when your action or lifestyle or personality is making someone else uncomfortable. And it's a misuse of that verse to use it as such.

The verse is from 1 Peter 5. 1 Peter is one of those favorite books for me. It is so full and rich that I've underlined almost the whole thing in my Bible. And yet as many times as I've read through it, cried over it, prayed along with it and quoted it to encourage others who were struggling in their trials, I never before this morning saw what that verse really means. I've always heard it used that way above: Be careful or you'll accidentally slip into sin. I've heard it so many times that even though it seemed so oddly out of place (if that was what it meant) in the book of 1 Peter, I didn't know what to do with that until now.

I realized this morning that that verse really isn't just randomly placed there in the passage, like some schizophrenic non sequitur. Let's take a look at this book: Peter is talking to the believers who have been scattered. They are living among unbelievers. They are largely Jews but there are Gentile believers in the mix now too because the church is growing, the gospel spreading. Peter personally knows so well how essential it is--God spoke it to him directly as a rebuke--that the church be inclusive in loving all believers, all who have been made clean by the Holy Spirit. Exclusion and division are simply NOT of God's plan for those whom he has made clean. Peter makes sure we hear from the start of the letter that we who abide in the Word have been purified and cannot lose that purification, THEREFORE, love one another sincerely from the heart with a deep brotherly affection.

He goes on to acknowledge all the hardships there are that would keep us from living that faith. Wives are being abused by husbands. Slaves are being mistreated by masters, rulers are of questionable intent (and Nero is coming). We're going to be tempted to return evil for evil. We're going to be tempted to shrink away and not call attention to our faith, to hide our fellowship with other believers. But it is supernatural power in us that lets us respond to evil with kindness, and to keep doing good for one another, to keep BEING the church to one another (remember Peter heard Jesus pray to God in front of the disciples that the world would be changed only by seeing God in THEM and in US--the supernatural unity of believers is how unbelievers know that God is in us and how they are challenged to know him too--John 17; Want to reduce persecution? Violence against other people? Be the visible church MORE, not less. They will know you by your love.). It is supernatural power, the power they first believed in, the power that raises the dead and purifies human hearts, that enables them to act with love to one another despite their fear and to act with respect to those who harm them. This setup of the supernatural nature of God's involvement in their lives is essential to the letter. It's essential to the Christian faith.

Peter then addresses suffering and persecution. Jesus suffered. We will too. But God will call to account those who persecute. The end is near. Do not lose heart. But (4:7 and forward) be clear minded and self-controlled. Why? So that we don't accidentally sin? That's what we tend to assume. We assume that we must be clear minded and self-controlled so that we can keep controlling that dark heart of ours. Now that's not at all bad advice, and there are places in the Bible where, even after the indwelling of the Spirit, people are still sinning and it needs to be addressed and stopped. But that is not what he's talking about here in this letter. That's not even on his mind. We are to be clear minded and self-controlled so that we can pray. Stay close to God. This is absolutely essential too. Pray, be in communication with the one who is empowering you and doing this work in you. And now that you are clear minded and self-controlled and praying and close to God, what are we to do ABOVE ALL ELSE?

Above all else, Peter says, do this: "Love one another deeply, because love covers [not causes] a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality without grumbling." This is what we are to do Above All Else. Next he says Use your gifts. If your gift is speaking, then speak. If it is serving, then serve. Do it with ALL THE STRENGTH GOD PROVIDES. (i.e. Live it out loud!) As an exuberant, cheerleader type personality who is sometimes squelched by those who are made uneasy by enthusiasm, a passage like this brings me to life. It reminds me that my design is from my Creator, and he takes delight in seeing me live fully, abundantly, in relationship the way he designed me to be. Through this, God will be praised for the glory and the power for ever.

Now that he's called us to this kind of action, without any excuse for ceasing, Peter hits us again with the suffering part. It's as if he has to weave this together: Love one another deeply. You're going to suffer for it. But love one another anyway, above all else. Use your gifts even when you're being suppressed. But remember, you will suffer: Don't be surprised by the fiery trial. You knew there'd be a cost.

What's really noteworthy here is that it isn't for sin that they are suffering. It's because they're being the church, to one another and to the community. They're living it for real, and it's hard and it takes perseverance, but that's the Christian's calling. So then suffer, he says, and while suffering, continue to do good.

Up to this point, Peter has been talking to the laypeople but here he shifts to the elders: Elders, show them how! As shepherds, you are to be an example of all this--how to love and continue on in the midst of the persecution. Don't let your zeal for the brotherhood fizzle out. Don't let the smoldering wick be snuffed out (to borrow from another place in scripture). Elders are to model for the flock how to keep loving earnestly, deeply, using gifts for one another's good, in the midst of persecution, naysayers, social and political opposition, family and work struggles.

Then again, after calling the elders to lead by example, Peter speaks to all of us: Humble yourselves. What does this mean? Beat ourselves up with self pity? Grovel before God? No, it means don't try to do this on your own--it's not your strength, no matter how good you are or how high your fences are, but remember you are "under God's mighty hand." Don't worry. Don't fret. Don't freeze either. Cast your anxiety on him. Again he says to be self-controlled and alert. Again, is this so that we won't slip into some sin? Again that answer is No. Taking this verse out of context misses the real point, which is so much more important. We are to be self-controlled and alert so that we can see what the enemy is up to, and here it is: The prowling adversary, the roaring lion, is seeking someone to devour. What is the lion roaring about? These are the voices of despair! What is the goal? Not a one-time slip into sin, but the complete renunciation of our faith and our calling to live that faith in this world!

The adversary is trying to bring us down from the faith that empowers loving action in the face of hardship and in the power of God to love in all purity because we have been purified by God's Word and because we are under his mighty hand. The adversary is the persecutor, the againster, the doubter, the skeptic--all the loud voices trying to quench the Spirit in the active believer. The adversary is the voice of fear that says God doesn't really change hearts, doesn't make new creations, isn't powerful enough, isn't greater than our hearts (to borrow from John). The adversary roars when he creates doubts, and roars to devour when he communicates that it is up to you, and not your Savior, to keep you on the straight and narrow, to deliver you over at the end of your days to God's favor.

Resist him, Peter says, standing firm in the faith. The faith. Which faith? The faith that says this grace is the gift of God and not of ourselves. This faith that says nothing can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. Losing that faith, denying that strength, the "mighty hands" that have you: that's the devouring the adversary is after. Don't lose your faith because of the critical ones who don't want you to live it. This verse is about withstanding persecution. To reinforce that this is about persecution (and not just the possibility of sin you might encounter in your life if you walk too confidently in God), Peter reminds them of the brothers throughout the world who are undergoing the same thing. It is a known fact. Christians will be called to recant the power of God.

And this understanding is what brought me freedom this morning, from those powerful voices of discouragement and despair. The roaring lion is about persecution! It is the voice that says "Don't believe what you say you believe about God." But it is the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ (the risen conqueror!). After you have suffered a little while, he will restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. It's HIS power and not my own that enables me (or anyone else) to be the church.

And now I know. Voices of despair are the voices of the roaring lion, trying to limit and suppress and hold back the Holy Spirit because of this very fragile jar of clay. Naming the voices that claim this much wrongly applied verse, and seeing this verse here, written for me and my weakness as a people-pleaser more than a God-pleaser, has taken away a lot of the power that has so effectively crushed me over and over again. That in itself is a biblical principle: To name something is to take dominion over it.

I feel stronger and happier today than I remember in a long time. It is for freedom believers have been set free. Do not return again to the chains that once bound you. Don't throw off that saving faith and all it calls you to when the going gets rough. Never use your freedom as a license to sin, because it is the power of the one who cannot be defiled that dwells in you now. But use that freedom, knowing you are safe in your Father's mighty hands, to resist the evil one, reject his roaring lies, and live fully, confidently, and joyfully in loving relationship with the brothers and sisters in the faith--the gift of the Church which was established even before the indwelling of the Spirit, for the mutual building up of one another to persevere. Live! Imperishable. You cannot lose your standing of righteousness if you have claimed Christ. May the voices of despair drown themselves out. Let the lion starve. There's nothing to satisfy him here.



Oh, getting to a point of clarity and contentment in God's word always means another blow is right around the corner, but maybe this time I will recognize the roaring and face it down with the Power not of myself that is within me.